Fred – pure fiction

by Robert L. Temple

Fred was gone. The village had lost its most colorful character, as well as its most hated one. His departure meant that a great deal of the money that had been lent to him in good faith would never be collected. When word spread that he had gone, many cursed (those who were owed a great deal) , many smiled, wished the news bearer a blessing, and decided there must be justice in the world after all.

Fred was not bad man. What Fred did was drink. He drank night and day and used the street for a place to beg for money not just for drink but for all sorts of plausible purposes which turned into occasions for drinking in the mind of Fred. He also used the street for a place to sleep, to sing loudly, and as a toilet. His unsightly behaviour had caused many people to complain that he discouraged tourism although no one had evidence of that. Some countered that his presence was a curiosity that made this town unique and therefore encouraged tourism. Some complained that he was bad for the children while others again countered that his entertainment value to the children and his lessons by negative example were one or two of the reasons that the village had such a low rate of trouble from teenagers.

The ministers of the four churches in town held a conference to decide who should host the funeral. They cold not reach a decision with the Lutheran and Holy Members of the heavenly Council almost coming to blows while the priest wept.

The town’s only mortician was asked to meet minimal legal and social requirements by holding a private ceremony in his chapel. When they phoned him, the call was unanswered. When they went to call on him in person, the found his door locked with a note to the effect that he had gone for a lengthy sojourn in mountain air for his health and his photography hobby. The note contained no indication of when he might return.. just the address of morticians in neighboring villages.

The body of the departed was not found anywhere… this was of some concern to many of the townsfolk .. you cant have a human body just lying around .. they protested. They must find it and bury it. On the third day after a near demonstration by the citizenry, a search party was formed.

After a conscientious two days, the search was abandoned as futile, for no Fred was found. No Fred was ever found and to this day the mystery remains. The matter was closed in the public mind when a burial site was fraudulently arranged. The ruse will continue safely obfuscated by the secret funding of a headstone for Fred, not in the cemetery where it might seem improper, but streetside, near the tavern.